The Best Video for Couples Therapy
This 3-minute video is one of our favorite tools for couples. Attachment theory is the best way to understand what happens in human relationships because it explains what happens in our brains when we feel disconnected, and it shows us the way to heal relationships. Just like any theory, it can be tedious to learn about. That’s why we love this video. It demonstrates attachment theory in a way you can understand in just a few minutes. It shows a mother and child being put through The Still Face Experiment at Harvard University by Dr. Edward Tronick.
When you watch this video, you see a baby do everything she can to get the attention of her mother who sits with a blank stare. You may feel some distress watching, but (spoiler alert!) the mother and baby reconnect at the end. Watch the baby while the mother is “still faced” and you see the distress caused by feeling disconnected to her parent. We show this video during Couples Therapy because adults feel similar distress when we feel disconnected from our partners.
The baby in the video does everything she can to re-establish connection. She reaches out, screams, and then tries to soothe herself by turning away. Adults do the same things, but with more verbal and adult behavior. When we feel disconnected from our partners, we feel distressed and we protest that disconnection, just like the baby. We tend to fall into some behaviors more than others. Some of us protest the disconnection by getting louder. We criticize, complain, nag, insist on making our point, and yell. This is kind of like the baby shrieking. Some of us protest the disconnection by shutting down. We get quiet, we withdraw, and we leave. This is kind of like the baby turning away. Some of us do a combination of getting louder and shutting down.
As you watch the video, consider what you tend to do when you are feeling disconnected from your partner. Consider these questions:
Think about a distressing time with your partner, when you weren’t getting along. In the worst moment, what did you feel? (Examples: overwhelmed, angry, sad, ashamed)
When you watched the video, did you identify with the baby’s feelings at all? If so, which of the baby’s behaviors are most similar to your behaviors when you’re distressed in your adult relationship? (Example: I get louder when I’m distressed. I don’t shriek like a baby, but I do get mad.)
Imagine your partner is also feeling distressed when you’re not getting along. Which of the baby’s behaviors are most similar to your partner’s behaviors when they are distressed? (Example: My partner seems to shut down when we’re not getting along.)
Knowing that you are hard wired to have these feelings and reactions can help you have more compassion for yourself and for your partner when you’re not getting along. When we feel compassion, we are more likely to make moves that bring us closer rather than moves that disconnect us further.
At the Bay Area Relationship Center, we can help you identify and change the patterns you and your partner have fallen into. Set up a consultation to find out more.
