Four Behaviors That Damage Your Relationship. Part 3: Defensiveness

Couples need to avoid four damaging behaviors during arguments: Stonewalling, Criticism, Defensiveness and Contempt. The Gottman Institute discovered that the more couples engage in these 4 behaviors, the more likely they are to break up or divorce.

In the last 2 posts, we looked at stonewalling and criticism, and now we are focusing on defensiveness. Criticism and defensiveness go together so often, we have a name for this combo: attack-defend. One partner makes a criticism, and the other becomes defensive to ward off that perceived attack. The more one defends, the more the other criticizes.

Defensiveness is the act of pushing away your partner’s statements when you feel under attack. When you’re being criticized, it is hard not to feel defensive. While defensiveness is understandable, it is also damaging. When you defend, your partner will tend to feel that you don’t take their concerns seriously or that you don’t want to listen.

There are two antidotes to defensiveness. One is to take some responsibility, and the other is to speak to your feelings. Let’s look at both of those antidotes in action.

Here’s an exchange where the attack-defend dynamic happens:

“You’re late as usual.”

“I am not. I’m only 2 minutes late. There was traffic, and besides you were late last time, not me. I can’t believe you said ‘as usual’.”

Let’s look at the first antidote: Take some responsibility:

“You’re late as usual.”

“Yes, I’m sorry you had to wait for me.”

The beauty of this response is that it’s likely to prevent an argument. Even though the statement “You’re late as usual” is critical, responder was not defensive, but rather took responsibility. She left out the traffic and the counter-attack.

Let’s look at the second antidote: speak to your feelings:

“You’re late as usual.”

“I feel a little under attack right now.”

You can tell your critical partner how their tone and words affect you, without returning the blame. You’d be falling into attack-attack if you said: “Well, you’re being really mean!” By stating your feelings in a vulnerable and non-critical way, you can avoid that trap.

When you’re feeling criticized, breathe and try one of those two responses. You’ll discover which one works best for you and your partner.

Need some help with your communication? Set up a free consultation or call (415) 534-4051 to find out how therapy can help.