Four Behaviors That Damage Your Relationship. Part 1: Stonewalling
The Gottman institute has discovered through their 40 years of research that there are 4 behaviors that damage relationships the most: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Today we will focus on stonewalling, a behavior that’s very common for people who have a hard time communicating. Stonewalling is the behavior of shutting down and being silent during an argument. A common communication cycle is that one person gets louder and more critical when the other person is shut down. The shut down person responds by getting even quieter, perhaps even turning his or her body away. The louder one partner gets, the more silent the other one gets. Both people feel distressed in this cycle.
When your partner stonewalls, you may think or feel some of this:
My partner doesn’t care.
I’m doing all the work in this conversation.
I’m being frozen out.
How can my partner have nothing to say?
I’m talking to a wall.
What is actually going on for the stonewalling partner?
He or she is usually thinking or feeling some of this while stonewalling:
I’m so anxious.
I’m in a lot of trouble.
I’m a disappointment to my partner.
I have no idea what to say without making it worse.
If I stay quiet this will be over eventually.
The inner experience of the stonewalling partner is not silent at all. Usually the stonewaller cares quite a lot about the relationship and feels distress about the conflict and lack of connection happening during the argument. Stonewalling is a sign of fight or flight, the physiological response we all have when we are under extreme stress.
When couples learn to speak about what’s going on underneath for each of them during arguments, those arguments begin to change. At The Bay Area Relationship Center, we create safety for both people and guide the process of starting a different kind of conversation.
Need some help creating better conversations with your partner? Set up a free consultation now or call (415) 534-4051.
