Arguing About Money? Here's How to Make Progress

The Gottman Institute has discovered that one of the 7 principles of making a relationship flourish is learning to honor each other’s dreams and values*. One area where this is particularly challenging for a lot of couples is money. Some conflicts about money come up and then get resolved quickly. Other conflicts come up over and over again. When that happens, it means there is a conflict about dreams and values under the surface. Some of the most common money arguments that bring up issues about dreams and values are how much to save and how much to spend, how closely to keep track of money, how much to spend on visiting or helping family and friends, and how much to combine finances.

Here’s one example:

Carrie and Karl have been together for 7 years, and are in their early 30’s. They argue about whether to combine their finances. Carrie wants to keep some of her finances separate because she values independence and harmony. Before and during her parents divorce, she observed their painful conflict around finances. She wants their relationship to be free of conflict around money. Karl wants to combine finances because he values interdependence and closeness. He associates separate finances with less commitment. When they talk about this, Carrie feels suffocated and Karl feels rejected.

There’s no one right financial solution for Carrie and Karl, but talking about the meaning behind their positions is the first and most important step to finding the best path.

When they talk about money without acknowledging the dreams and values each of them holds so deeply, they argue back and forth without finding any resolution. Carrie makes points about why keeping separate accounts makes sense and Karl counters with points about why combining is better.  Once they each acknowledge the deeper values and dreams, they can understand and feel compassion for each other. Whatever solution they try, they feel closer. The goal is not to come up with a perfect solution about combining or not combining all finances. The goal is to find a solution that honors independence and harmony as well as interdependence and a close sense of family.

Are there any arguments about money that seem to come up over and over again in your relationship?

See if you can identify the dreams or values that are fueling this argument for each of you. Here are some common ones:

• A sense of freedom

• Adventure

• Independence

• Closeness

• Harmony

• Security

• Generosity

• Self actualization

• Efficiency

• Creativity

• Fun

Try talking about these deeper issues and see how it changes the discussion.

*According to The Gottman Institute’s research, the other 6 principles for making a relationship work are: knowing each other well, expressing fondness and admiration, returning each other’s bids for connection, managing conflict well, having a positive perspective on your relationship, and creating shared meaning.

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