Are You Rejecting the Love That’s Available to You?
You may not be taking in the love that’s available to you, and you might not even be aware of it.
If your parents or caregivers didn’t know how to take care of you emotionally, you didn’t learn to completely accept and receive love. Maybe the people who raised you tried to take care of you emotionally, but they were so absorbed in their own lives that you were neglected at times. Maybe they weren’t emotionally present because they were drunk or high. Maybe the people who raised you were abusive so you lived in a state of self-protection or self-hatred.
If you didn’t learn to completely take in love, it isn’t too late. Look at the people in your life, including your partner, and consider whether there’s more love and acceptance available than you’re taking in.
When you’re feeling burdened or overwhelmed, do you reach out to your loved ones and ask for help or comfort?
When you’re feeling insecure or alone, do you reach out to your loved ones for reassurance?
If you’ve grown up believing that being self reliant is the best way to avoid being hurt, or that being pleasant all the time is the only way to be accepted, then accepting love and comfort will feel uncomfortable at times.
For some people, accepting love and comfort is easy. Some people grew up with parents or caregivers who knew how to love them unconditionally. Some learned how to receive love through close relationships in adulthood. Others had some good therapy and then practiced what they learned there.
If accepting love and comfort isn’t so easy for you, start by observing the times love is available and practice receiving more of it whenever you can. For example, when someone you trust asks how you’re doing, avoid using the word “fine,” because it doesn’t really express anything. Giving a real answer is a way of inviting that trusted person in. When someone you trust gives you a compliment, stop and take it in for a moment. Make eye contact, say thank you, and don’t make a self-deprecating comment. If you have a habit of greeting your partner in a perfunctory way at the end of the day, prolong that moment. Have a longer hug.
Your thoughts may be blocking your ability to take in love too. When there’s love being offered to you, notice how you’re thinking and feeling about it. Do you tell yourself “If she really knew my flaws she wouldn’t love me” or “he doesn’t really mean it, he feels like she has to say that”? Question those thoughts. They are old messages that you learned from your past. They may be there just to protect you from getting hurt. They aren’t helpful anymore. You can make those thoughts less powerful by noticing them and saying to yourself “Huh, that’s interesting.” Expect to hear those internal voices as you open up to receiving more love.
If this is all feeling a little self absorbed, think about how it affects your loved ones. Think about how lousy it would feel to hold out a gift to a loved one and see them push it away. When you take in more of their love, you’re helping your partner and loved ones feel more valued.
If want to find out how Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy can help you change your relationships, schedule a free consultation now.
